so this is a mix of new elements, an old animatic and a bit of pre-vis for camera shots to help make this new animatic, I like the new changes to the animatic and my favourite scene is the candy sky scene with my character flying through the air.
Hey Laura: so a list of observations/things to think about:
1) I think the line 'After that my arm didn't work properly' - needs an image that it more obviously about your 'arm not working'. The 'black tentacles' seem to attack/effect your whole body - it doesn't seem precise enough to me.
2) I struggle to play ball... the balls come in and bounce off the boxes... why? It's you who struggles to play ball, so again, I think this image needs to be more specifically communicative of your struggle; obviously you can make this fun and abstracted (running away from a ball like Indiana Jones?).
3) It's a shame the rubbish heap scenes aren't 'proper' storyboard panels. I get the gist, but I can't tell if you truly understand what this means in terms of your character and what you need to think about in terms of performance and so on. These are sketches - they're not instructive or explanatory, so while I think this is going to work thematically, I still don't know if YOU know what you're doing and will need to do. For example - the playground scene - are those 3D modelled characters, or 2D elements, or... there's nothing about the way you've approached those panels that tells me that you're in control of your own pipeline. Your animatic is meant to be solving problems for you... and also revealing the job that is still in front of you.
4) How does the 'fishing rod rescue' mirror what we're being told? For example, as you're pulled up we're being told about the green-eyed monster - should we be seeing something that helps us feel that a bit more?
5)In terms of the 'hospital room' scene - when you're remembering everything - I think that all feels too static - just watching the room appear before us is a bit dull - perhaps you might think about it very differently - you, riding on a hospital bed through and past these memories before arriving in the actual set?
6) Just in terms of the ending... I like the whole return to the junk heap etc... but as you walk into the sunset at the end, shouldn't Mr Leopard be in the final shots too?
My BIG criticism of your animatic is simply that it's soooo scruffy in places. That scruffiness means that it's difficult to know how well you understand your own stuff. In large part, it's still at the thumbnail stage and I guess I'm looking to you to commit entirely to the precise nuts and bolts of what you're doing and what it is going to be like. Even when you're using those pre-vis characters, your 3D camera is very erratic and not controlled sufficiently.
At 5 mins + my gut is your film is too long and we'll need to look at that. I also want to spend some time with you in terms of your actual vocal performance, because I think it all needs to 'naturalise' a bit more - it needs to relax-out as if you're just talking and remembering and thinking. Could you send me the script you're working from so I can make some recommendations - and also look at what we can trim to up the pace a bit more?
My big request to you is that look at this animatic and try and commit 100% to what it is you're actually intending to put on screen; anything that's wobbly here and spongy and not thought out is a problem you're yet to solve and is waiting for you further down the line.
Hey Laura: so a list of observations/things to think about:
ReplyDelete1) I think the line 'After that my arm didn't work properly' - needs an image that it more obviously about your 'arm not working'. The 'black tentacles' seem to attack/effect your whole body - it doesn't seem precise enough to me.
2) I struggle to play ball... the balls come in and bounce off the boxes... why? It's you who struggles to play ball, so again, I think this image needs to be more specifically communicative of your struggle; obviously you can make this fun and abstracted (running away from a ball like Indiana Jones?).
3) It's a shame the rubbish heap scenes aren't 'proper' storyboard panels. I get the gist, but I can't tell if you truly understand what this means in terms of your character and what you need to think about in terms of performance and so on. These are sketches - they're not instructive or explanatory, so while I think this is going to work thematically, I still don't know if YOU know what you're doing and will need to do. For example - the playground scene - are those 3D modelled characters, or 2D elements, or... there's nothing about the way you've approached those panels that tells me that you're in control of your own pipeline. Your animatic is meant to be solving problems for you... and also revealing the job that is still in front of you.
4) How does the 'fishing rod rescue' mirror what we're being told? For example, as you're pulled up we're being told about the green-eyed monster - should we be seeing something that helps us feel that a bit more?
5)In terms of the 'hospital room' scene - when you're remembering everything - I think that all feels too static - just watching the room appear before us is a bit dull - perhaps you might think about it very differently - you, riding on a hospital bed through and past these memories before arriving in the actual set?
6) Just in terms of the ending... I like the whole return to the junk heap etc... but as you walk into the sunset at the end, shouldn't Mr Leopard be in the final shots too?
My BIG criticism of your animatic is simply that it's soooo scruffy in places. That scruffiness means that it's difficult to know how well you understand your own stuff. In large part, it's still at the thumbnail stage and I guess I'm looking to you to commit entirely to the precise nuts and bolts of what you're doing and what it is going to be like. Even when you're using those pre-vis characters, your 3D camera is very erratic and not controlled sufficiently.
At 5 mins + my gut is your film is too long and we'll need to look at that. I also want to spend some time with you in terms of your actual vocal performance, because I think it all needs to 'naturalise' a bit more - it needs to relax-out as if you're just talking and remembering and thinking. Could you send me the script you're working from so I can make some recommendations - and also look at what we can trim to up the pace a bit more?
My big request to you is that look at this animatic and try and commit 100% to what it is you're actually intending to put on screen; anything that's wobbly here and spongy and not thought out is a problem you're yet to solve and is waiting for you further down the line.
thank you on the feedback Phil, i can see what you mean ill send you what i have been using as a script.
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